Harry Potter and the Loony
by Elizabeth Notrab
Summary: The story I'm submitting to Flourish for her challenge. I know I should be working on Into the Fire, but inspiration struck! Read and enjoy. 8>)


Harry Potter and the Loony  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Professor Dumbledore, Hogwarts, Voldemort and Godric's Hollow all belong to JK   
Rowling. The Wizzo Chocolate Company and Crunchy Frogs belong to whoever own Monty Python.   
And, I guess I got the idea for the arguments from Monty Python's argument clinic sketch. The basic idea   
belongs to Flourish and every thing else belongs to me.  
  
************************************************  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione walked into the Defense Against the Dark   
Arts classroom on the first day of their fourth year at Hogwarts. They knew   
that the teacher's name was Nixon, but that was all. They were all eager to   
see what he was like. The man they assumed was the teacher was very tall   
with salt and pepper hair. He looked very stuck up to Harry.  
  
They sat down in their normal seats and waited for class to start. The   
bell rang. Nothing happened. The new professor just sat there and stared at   
the students as if he expected them to start the lesson. No one said anything   
for a very long time.  
  
Finally the professor said, "Well, I see that I'll have to be the one to   
get the ball rolling." He opened a book and started scribbling away in it.   
Harry could have sworn he heard him mutter something about not taking   
initiative and cluck his tongue. "Who knows anything about green   
butterflies?" asked the professor.  
  
Every head in the class turned to Hermione. She looked insulted at   
first and crossed her hands over her chest, but then she meekly raised her   
hand when it became clear that no one else would. The professor looked at   
her with vague surprise and nodded for her to enlighten the class.  
  
"Green butterflies are very rare creatures that feed on Evil in its liquid   
form." Harry thought Hermione had gone crazy, because he didn't think that   
Evil had specific forms. The teacher shook his head and clucked his tongue   
some more.  
  
"I'm sorry Miss…ahh…Granger, but that's not right." The whole class   
looked hocked, Hermione most of all.  
  
"But, yes it is," she argued.  
  
The teacher looked at her with the same vague surprise he had shown   
before. "No, it's not.  
  
"Yes it is, it says so right in my book. I'll show you."  
  
"Very well." Hermione grabbed the book under her desk and turned   
the pages furiously. Harry could tell that she knew what she was looking   
for.   
  
She found the page she was looking for and read. "'Green butterflies   
are the rarest butterflies anywhere. They are useful n fighting the Dark Arts   
because they feed on liquefied Evil.'" Hermione looked up to find that the   
professor's smug look mirrored her own.  
  
"You see," he said. "You were wrong." Hermione was about to   
protest, but the professor didn't give her the chance. "Well, as you all know,   
I am Professor Nixon. I'm not an easy man to get along with and this class   
will be no cakewalk for you, as you no doubt see from the very first question   
I ask." Harry stared at Professor Nixon with the rest of the class.   
  
The rest of the class went on I much the same manner. He asked   
questions and when a student gave him a right answer he told them it was   
wrong. The student was forced to look it up and read what they had said   
before and the professor looked smug and said, "See, I told you. You were   
wrong."  
  
By the end of class, Harry was thoroughly sick and tired of it. He   
could see that Hermione was worse off. Professor Nixon had just got   
through telling her that she should maybe try letting the other students have   
a chance, because she obviously wasn't getting the right answers.   
  
When the bell rang for lunch, Professor Nixon called Harry over to his   
desk. Ron told him that he and Hermione would wait outside for him.  
  
"Harry Potter, I've been told by the Defense Against the Dark Arts   
League, of which I am a part of, to relay the message that the simulation will   
be held tonight at seven o'clock." With that announcement, he seemed to   
forget that harry was even there, so harry left.  
  
"What was that all about?" Ron asked.   
  
"The simulation's tonight."  
  
"Oh, I'd forgotten about that," Hermione said. "I don't know why you   
agreed to do that for, Harry. It's morbid." The Defense Against the Dark   
Arts League had come to Harry a few weeks ago, asking him whether he   
wanted to participate in a simulation of the night his parents were killed.   
They said it was to see if there was something no one had noticed about how   
Harry defeated Voldemort that would help the League defeat he. Harry had   
agreed to help because he wanted to do whatever he could to stop   
Voldemort. But Hermione was right. It was morbid, and Harry was having   
second thoughts.   
  
"I can't back out now," Harry said. Then he changed the subject.   
"That new professor is a member of the League. He was kinda strange,   
wasn't he?"  
  
Hermione made a rude sound and sat down very angrily. Ron laughed   
a little. "Well, he's a loony for sure. But, I don't mind him all that much.   
It'll be fun to live for a year with him."   
  
"So you don't thin he'll last either?" Harry asked.   
  
"Making us repeat everything ten times? No, Dumbledore won't   
allow it." Then Ron added mischievously, "If he lives."  
  
Hermione glared at Ron. Harry knew she was very annoyed at   
Professor Nixon. It didn't matter that she did get everything right, even   
though he denied it.  
  
The rest of the day passed uneventfully and Harry soon found that was   
almost time to ride out to the house at Godric's Hollow with Professor   
Nixon, who was apparently part of the simulation as well. Harry was   
dreading the flight. He was afraid there would be some ridiculous argument.   
  
He met the professor outside the main entrance. He was finishing a   
box of chocolates off, and offered Harry one.  
  
"Would you like a crunchy frog?"  
  
"Is ti like a chocolate frog?"  
  
The professor looked insulted. "Oh, no. Those aren't real frogs at   
all."  
  
"And those are?" Harry asked a little sick at the thought.  
  
"Yes. Wizzo chocolates uses only the finest baby frogs picked and   
flown in from Iraq and cleased in the finest quality spring water. They're   
then wrapped in a Swiss milk chocolate envelope and lightly glazed with   
glucose," the professor explained as if that it made it better.  
  
"Don't they tke the bones out?"  
  
"If they took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?" Harry   
couldn't argue, nor did he particularly want to. He just mounted his broom   
and flew off in the right direction. Professor Nixon flew out in front after a   
while and they landed in front of the house that had been completely   
restored by some American person named Bob Vila.  
  
Harry walked in to find that a woman with short red hair was sitting   
in one of the chairs and arguing with the person who seemed to be in charge.  
  
"She just had a new baby. She might have been knitting baby   
booties," the woman was saying. The man she was arguing with rolled his   
eyes and she gave a triumphant smile and went back to the knitting in her   
lap.   
  
The man turned to Harry. "Well, I'm Ernest Baum. I'll be portraying   
Voldemort tonight. This woman here is Katherine Higgins. She'll be your   
mother. And your very own Professor Nixon will help us out by being your   
father. I want to thank you for helping us out. I don't expect that you'll   
understand much what we're looking for. I hope this won't be too painful."  
  
Harry nodded and smiled encouragingly. "Where do I go?" Ernest   
looked embarrassed at the question. "Well, you were a baby at the time,   
and…" Harry looked over near Katherine. There was a crib on one side of   
her. Harry sighed, but he went over there and got in the crib. Ernest smiled.  
  
"Places everyone. Try to make it as accurate as possible. I'll be   
outside waiting to come in." Ernest walked outside. The door shut behind   
him, and Harry could hear some strange noises coming from the other side.   
Katherine and Professor Nixon didn't look too worried, so Harry put it out of   
his mind.   
  
"Well, Kath…I mean Lily," said Professor Nixon, "I'm sure glad that   
Voldemort won't be able to find us here. My best friend Sirius will never   
crack." Harry was about to speak up and tell them that Sirius wasn't the   
secret keeper, but he figured they'd never believe him.  
  
"Yes, um, James. Sirius is a good trustworthy person." Neither of   
them spoke for a long time. They seemed to be waiting for something.   
Finally Katherine repeated, "Good, trustworthy person," a little louder.   
There was a knock at the door and the two adults smiled. Harry figured that   
was Ernest's cue.  
  
But Ernest wasn't at the door. Instead a hooded figure barged in past   
Professor Nixon: Voldemort. "I'm sorry for missing my," the figure cleared   
his throat, "cue. But that wasn't how it happened you know. I thought I'd   
come by to check your accuracy, because little Harry wouldn't do much   
good for remembering." Harry saw that Katherine had stopped knitting and   
had gone very pale. Harry was incredibly frightened himself, but when he   
looked at Professor Nixon, Harry saw he had the same look of vague   
surprise he had in class.  
  
"And who would you be?" the professor asked, quite politely.   
Voldemort was stunned for a moment and Harry thought that the professor   
would attack him while he was in this state. The professor did nothing but   
wait for an answer.  
  
"I am Lord Voldemort, of course!" said Voldemort in a very menacing   
voice.   
  
"No you're not." Harry hadn't thought it possible, but Voldemort   
looked even more shocked than before.  
  
"What? Yes I am!"  
  
"No, you're not."  
  
"Why don't you believe that I'm Lord Voldemort?" Harry wasn't quite   
sure how all this was helping, but none of them were dead yet. Except   
maybe Ernest.   
  
"Because I am Lord Voldemort," the professor responded as if it was   
the most natural answer in the world and Voldemort was an idiot for not   
knowing. Harry was reminded briefly of Hermione in Voldemort's reaction.  
  
"NO YOU'RE NOT!" Voldemort screamed.  
  
"Yes, I am," said the professor, not moved in the slightest. "My name   
is Voldemort Nixon and my title before I became a professor was Lord.   
Therefore I am Lord Voldemort."  
  
Voldemort stood there staring at Professor Nixon. He was very   
confused, by now and didn't notice Katherine slipping by him to run out the   
door. Harry was thinking that he would do the same, but Professor Nixon   
turned to him and asked, "Harry, what night is it?"  
  
Harry glared at the professor for drawing attention to him and said   
through clenched teeth, "It's Thursday."  
  
"Oh, well, I'm sorry, sir," the professor said to Voldemort. "But I   
really do have to be going now. I'm going to miss ER if I don't leave now. I   
do love that show. Very realistic portrayal of the high stress emergency   
room, you know."   
  
"Oh, it is time for ER, isn't it?" Voldemort asked. "Can't we just   
watch it here…wait! I've got it. I'll prove to you that I'm Lord Voldemort.   
Harry, be a dear and get me a knife." Harry stared for a minute and then   
looked at the professor.  
  
"Oh, not this again," Nixon said, rolling his eyes. "Very well. Get the   
knife, Harry." Harry knew that Professor Nixon must have a plan. But he   
also remembered what Ron had said. The professor very well could just be   
some loony. Harry brought the knife to the professor who gave it to   
Voldemort. Voldemort took a cup off the mantle and slit his hand. The   
blood that ran out had a definite greenish tinge to it.  
  
"There, you see? Voldemort is evil, so he has Evil coursing through   
his veins," said Voldemort as the blood dripped down into the cup. "That's   
Evil right there, so I must be Voldemort."  
  
"That's quite astounding logic, sir, but that's not Evil."   
  
"YES IT IS!"  
  
"No, it isn't."  
  
"YES IT IS. IT IS PURE CONCENTRATED, LIQUEFIED EVIL!"  
  
"Oh, well, I suppose you're right, now that I look at it. Very potent   
stuff, that is. Amathanio Flius Boot!" Professor Nixon had taken his wand   
out for the last part and green butterflies soon filled the room. Voldemort   
screamed and Harry knew that they were attacking the Dark Lord.   
  
The room cleared after a while and Voldemort was laying, unmoving,   
on the floor. Professor Nixon kicked him. No response. The professor   
checked his watch. "Well, Harry, I don't live at Hogwarts, and now I must   
go home and watch my show. I trust you can find your way back alone?"   
Harry nodded, amazed. "Good. You should probably mention this to   
Professor Dumbledore."   
  
The professor then mounted his broom and left. Harry stood there   
staring for a while, then he shrugged to himself and left for Hogwarts.   
  
THE END   



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